Expanding from Self-Absorption

It is important we center ourselves as creators of our lives and as unique expressions of love and life. However, there is nuance to discern between centering ourselves in self-loving, respectful ways and the energy of self-absorption.

Self-absorption refers to a state of being in which the mind absorbs the true self in a labyrinth of emotional, cognitive, and spiritual immaturity. This immaturity is not a reflection of the inner self or soul; rather, it is an adjustment formed by protective aspects of the psyche in response to life experiences. It is important to identify energies of self-absorption when we are doing shadow work, and to help us navigate relationships with others who live in a consistent mental and emotional state of self-absorption.

When we are self-absorbed, our lower mind guides us, making it harder to achieve a state of flow. Everything is a tension, a struggle. We fight against the current of life instead of trusting it to flow through us.

Self-absorption is rooted in deep insecurity and craves validation. It is a pervasive focus on self to the exclusion of the emotions and experiences of those with whom we are in any kind of relationship. Even when we get the validation and acknowledgement we crave, it is not enough: this neediness is a deep reservoir never filled.

We overlook that every uncomfortable event can function to transform us in a way that benefits us. Even the most harrowing hellscapes, which are relative to individual souls and experiences, can work for you if you trust yourself to let life flow through you.

These 7 Hermetic Principles condense ancient gnosis from Greek and Egyptian teachings and can be a lens for the effects of pathological self-absorption:

• Mentalism — The experience of life originates in the mind and unfolds there, manifesting as a projection of one's thoughts.

• Correspondence — Every move echoes across levels.

• Vibration — One’s inner state shifts the flow of play and creates multidimensional experiences.

• Polarity — All energies exist across a spectrum, and each energetic or emotional experience has its opposite and its purpose. Paradox is polarity, exalted.

• Rhythm — The pendulum of experience and emotions swings; we rise and fall and rise and fall again. The wise adapt and cultivate internal balance/order to navigate external chaos.

• Cause & Effect — Nothing is random; you create your position with your conscious or your unconscious momentum. Actions have reactions.

• Gender — Every decision and action combines Will (a masculine esoteric principle) with Insight (a feminine esoteric principle).

All life experiences and relationships are alchemical backdrops for increased awareness and integration of the above principles. It is not difficult to adopt new interpretations and resulting patterns of behavior, but it does require intention and a felt sense of safety for life. We develop safety and trust within ourselves by observing self-absorbed mindsets and intentionally focusing our thoughts.

Self-absorption often leads to a victim mentality and encourages constant searching for proof that life and others are working against us. If we are looking for evidence, we will surely find it, as that is the intention and that is where we will pay attention.

Additional indicators that may suggest a state of self-absorption include:

-Consistently seeking validation and/or approval from others. We might also pedestal or mimic/copy certain individuals upon whom we 'positively' project and feel disappointed when they do not share or mirror evidence of our mental fantasies.

-A lack of empathy for others while we hyper-focus on our own needs.

-Confusion around healthy boundaries. We may believe we are "just setting healthy boundaries" for ourselves, but do these boundaries create unrealistic, demanding, or dehumanizing expectations for others? Do they consider that others are main characters in their own lives?

-Emotional immaturity and entitlement: We might justify extreme high needs and energetically pulling on others because of our emotional discomfort. We believe others should relieve our discomfort. We may exploit or manipulate circumstances to get our needs met. It is very possible to learn to regulate our own nervous systems and co-regulate with others in mutually respectful, conscious ways.

-Underdeveloped Self (the positive Ego): We may see others as identity-models, fantasy figures, psychic attachment objects, or sources of ego supply.

-Parentification: We make our children responsible for our emotional states. We covertly or overtly ask them or allow them to nurture and protect us, the parents.

-Inauthenticity and Limited Self-Identity: Mistaking fight/flight/fawn responses, enmeshment, or mimicry of others as expressions of our true selves.

- We may over-identify with disempowered psyche parts as evidence we are engaged in healing, but years pass without substantial improvements: we are avoiding true inner work.

-We may have trouble seeing the lighter side of things, making jokes about ourselves, or approaching situations with humor—everything we experience and believe tends to feel urgent or extremely serious.

-When we are self-absorbed, we may find ourselves in loops of victim mentality. Where there is a victim, there must be a villain: two sides of the same coin. Sub/conscious mind work is key; become present and curious with each disempowered thought and feeling, especially when Shame arises to announce: DELETE! It is important that we are self-compassionate with shame, as the first step to improved life experiences is acceptance for all parts of ourselves. Integrating techniques like Internal Family Systems, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Jung's active imagination, and Somatic Experiencing Therapy are helpful here.

- We have difficulty maintaining relationships, have few long-lasting relationships, and the ones we have are tumultuous. Absorbed levels of self-awareness can come across to others as a lack of self-awareness. This happens when someone focuses entirely on themselves, leaving little attention to notice and appreciate the experiences and individuality of others.

-We may confuse empowerment with intuitive “hits” that everyone is against us or believe we “psychically read” the minds and intentions of others. This is not empowerment; this is spiritual amnesia and a nervous system in fight/flight. The root of others' behaviors or words is not always clear. Both can come from an unawareness or innocence in them that activates dysregulation in us.

On that note: Our previous experiences shape how we interpret words, actions, and situations, often leading to misunderstandings in the present. We can force our perceptions to be true by throwing a ton of evidence on them, but is that empowering? Or are we doing that to manage emotional discomfort, to avoid taking responsibility for ourselves, or because we fear growth?

Growth is Life, and there is no empowerment without Life. Self-defeating evidence creates suffocation. No breath=no flow. Even if interpretations are correct, focusing on evidence of this nature beyond using it as data to inform one's own life navigations gives power away and does not support expansion.

Getting back in the body truly and becoming comfortable in a titrated way with nervous system cycles is key. I am happy to teach techniques in 1:1 sessions and relevant workshops.

Intentional gratitude is another key. Self-response-able adults own their energy: Widening the interpretative mental lens from disempowered, victim, wounded perspectives into gratitude-focused perspectives shifts us from inner self/absorption to more balanced internal and external experiences in each moment.

Part 2, coming soon, will focus on how to navigate relationships as effectively and compassionately as possible with self-absorbed individuals.